Listening again to the healing strains of Hans Christian's "undefended heart", I hear the swallows of Chartres, France on the recording. I miss the finches who nested on the roof of my building one spring two years ago, but I know with a knowing that is not knowing that I will be somewhere in the future where my ears will continually hear the birds singing. I wish I had gone to meet Yogi Bhajan back in 2002, but I did not. I know he is my teacher. He gave me my name Amrita Kaur, back in the summer of 2006, before 3HO gave it to me last April.
His fingerprints touch my life everywhere...even taking me to see my spiritual mother and guru Sri Amritanandamaya Devi. I am scared. I feel fear over making a move to San Francisco, let alone just booking an airline flight there to see LifeChiropractic's campus and meet again with Dr. Hari Simran Singh Khalsa. I am afraid of wearing my turban or bani again for some reason, as I did before I was angry with Sat Inder Singh. I know it raises the kundalini...I feel it. I miss the way I felt wearing it every day. And yet I like just doing the yoga too without all of the outward costuming.
It feels as if I were to take vows as a Khalsa and to take Amrit that I would be ensuring myself of never going back into the darkness, as I have toyed with for years. I've had power, felt the tease of thinking it is mine to misuse, and fallen so far down into many, many pits of despair and had to crawl back up, feeling as if I am in a pot of crabs dragging me back down. I've been there many times and don't want to go back to that darkness. If the path of Kundalini Yoga takes me into being a Sikh ~ which it does not have to ~ but if it does, and if it takes me back to school at 43 to help heal others and take away their pain the way mine has been, then maybe it is my path.
Reading Dharma Singh Khalsa, M.D.'s "Meditation As Medecine" this morning as Hans Christian's violincello fills my mind with song and birdsong, brought me to these words:
"For some reason, I had a sense that this was exactly the right thing to do. Finding your dharma, or true path, I think, depends on having a feeling for your own destiny, so that you know it when you see it. One fine day, you just happen to peek through a crack in your world ~ and there it is."
The dawn is still dark while peeking through that crack, and I don't know for sure if my father will be with me all through this journey to become a chiropractor, but I hope and I pray that he will. Is that close enough to faith? Until my faith grows stronger, I have the birds to keep me company, and the violincello.
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