This has been a truly wonderful day!! Lots of cats to pet (Chester, Rosy, Lacey...), a chiropractic adjustment to end all adjustments from Sarab Nam Singh Khalsa, special chocolate to share as a gift from Sat Inder Kaur, and the most beautiful sadhana. The resonance in my voice is back, and the coughing that started up this weekend is less. I have my lung volume back as well as the melodic lilt my voice was developing from the deep peace I was dwelling in, took a hiatus from and came back to...
It is nice to have come back into the light. Sat Inder Kaur was a great help this morning as we chatted about what was appropriate behaviour from my teacher and what was not. And yet this is a gift. He should not push the way he has, it alienates people, but he has also given me a venue within which to process very old anger from the days when I was beaten and abused, verbally and physically. Spirit seems to be working through him, using the situations to heal us both.
I am grateful to be healing. This weekend almost put me off ever doing Kundalini yoga again. I was mad at God, mad at the Guru, and had slammed the door to my meditation room so hard that things fell. I am not angry anymore. I am at peace. And in the interest of maintaining that peace, I will keep my distance for a while. Gazing at the feet I guess, and doing my best to remain neutral. Reading from the Guru in Sat Tirath Ashram's Gurdwara is very, very healing.
And petting the cats is healing. So many blessings. Whatever that sadhana CD was this morning, it brought me back!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Downloading Old Files
Wow. I woke in the middle of the night last night to finish this kriya, and wrote for a while. When I went back to sleep I had the most bizarre dreams. The first one was about my Dad, and in it I was facing a nebulous entity that I later realized was his cancer. I woke up hearing myself say out loud to it: "If you attempt to hurt him I will follow you to the darkest ends of the earth and kill you." I was shocked by my hatred of cancer.
The rest of the dreams seemed a strange way of processing stuff that must have gone deep into my unconscious years ago when the subconscious got overloaded; kind of like when a doctor's office puts old patient files in storage. I feel like these files, from when I was with the crazy Iranian terrorist I used to date, were some of the last of the seeds he planted.
Two days ago, upon waking up for my first morning at Sat Tirath Ashram, I danced and sang to my iPod. A little White Stripes, some B-Tribe, and whirling like Sufi got my energy back. I sat and sang along with Milla Jovovich, from her folk album from the 90s that I used to love so much. I had played it for the Charles Manson-wannabe years ago, and he especially loved that line about~ "no I haven't seen the flowers yet, from the broken seeds I planted. The ground is still too red from the wickedness you did." I have to say that I still feel I am uprooting seeds of misery that he planted, like dark, malevolent mantras intended to destroy the very cells of my body. I also think they were sort of like magnetic attractors that draw dark behaviour out of others, because though I felt fabulous after all of this, it changed quickly during the teacher training.
I could feel the frustration of someone sitting behind me as if they were staring at me with intently directed hatred and boring a hole in my head. I had worked hard to get past my own anger the night before, but this was really too much. I kept having to run energy through my aura to halfway protect myself, and by the end of the day the constant barrage of negative energy at my back took its toll. It was really, really frustrating. It was also tempting to return it, and to return the carefully hidden angry glances at me throughout the day. I chose to deal with it, by ignoring the person. In the book "Everyday Grace", Sat Purkh actually recommends the 'Silent Treatment' when nothing else seems to work, so that's what I did. It was damage control. It never ceases to amaze me how people who can be so kind and healing a presence can also be very unhealing.
By evening of that first day I felt sick. When I woke up yesterday at 1:30 a
after less than 3 hours sleep, I felt drawn to read from the Guru. The day before had taken its toll, but I needed the Guru more than sleep. And in fact I could not sleep, so I got up and read. I read until I felt healed. Then I read some more until I felt it was safe to leave the protective energy of the Gurdwara.
I have to ask rhetorically, because I know the answer: Why is it that when you are extremely grateful and complimentary to some people that they seem to try to do something to make you wonder why you ever were grateful to them in the first place? The answer, I think, is that we all, all of us, have a side, to a greater or lesser extent, that feels we do not deserve the compliments, and so we do something to try to make others hate us.
My own hatred in this situation was so intense Friday evening that I chose not to enter the sadhana room. I did not want to add my angry aura to a peaceful space. I sat with a now dear friend in the kitchen, and she held space for me while I felt the rage of everytime this exact same person has tried to push my buttons. My rage was cumulative and I had forgiven the infraction of my personal boundaries many, many times before, because I appreciate the gifts more than the pain. It all adds up though. And each time it happens again, you wonder how much more of it you can take and still forgive and love.
Though I by no means ever want to endure this behaviour again, I can use the experience this one last time. It brought up loads of the most deeply repressed and supressed rage at the crazy Iranian terrorist from my past, and, in a sense kick-started the down-loading of old junk that needs to be deleted from my brain. Junk that attracts this sort of behaviour. Like a magnet. But let me reiterate that others' responses in that vein come from the fact that they have that junk within them too.
There is always a healing to be had, a silver lining to be found, but that still does not make it okay to try to control someone, no matter how much you try to fool yourself and others into believing you are doing otherwise.
For myself, I will continue to heal the raw, angry places, and as Tibetan Buddhist nun Pema Chödron says...the places that scare me. And I will not allow any more of this controlling behaviour. I wish others the best in their own journeys. When they are ready to approach me on the same level I will be here.
The rest of the dreams seemed a strange way of processing stuff that must have gone deep into my unconscious years ago when the subconscious got overloaded; kind of like when a doctor's office puts old patient files in storage. I feel like these files, from when I was with the crazy Iranian terrorist I used to date, were some of the last of the seeds he planted.
Two days ago, upon waking up for my first morning at Sat Tirath Ashram, I danced and sang to my iPod. A little White Stripes, some B-Tribe, and whirling like Sufi got my energy back. I sat and sang along with Milla Jovovich, from her folk album from the 90s that I used to love so much. I had played it for the Charles Manson-wannabe years ago, and he especially loved that line about~ "no I haven't seen the flowers yet, from the broken seeds I planted. The ground is still too red from the wickedness you did." I have to say that I still feel I am uprooting seeds of misery that he planted, like dark, malevolent mantras intended to destroy the very cells of my body. I also think they were sort of like magnetic attractors that draw dark behaviour out of others, because though I felt fabulous after all of this, it changed quickly during the teacher training.
I could feel the frustration of someone sitting behind me as if they were staring at me with intently directed hatred and boring a hole in my head. I had worked hard to get past my own anger the night before, but this was really too much. I kept having to run energy through my aura to halfway protect myself, and by the end of the day the constant barrage of negative energy at my back took its toll. It was really, really frustrating. It was also tempting to return it, and to return the carefully hidden angry glances at me throughout the day. I chose to deal with it, by ignoring the person. In the book "Everyday Grace", Sat Purkh actually recommends the 'Silent Treatment' when nothing else seems to work, so that's what I did. It was damage control. It never ceases to amaze me how people who can be so kind and healing a presence can also be very unhealing.
By evening of that first day I felt sick. When I woke up yesterday at 1:30 a
after less than 3 hours sleep, I felt drawn to read from the Guru. The day before had taken its toll, but I needed the Guru more than sleep. And in fact I could not sleep, so I got up and read. I read until I felt healed. Then I read some more until I felt it was safe to leave the protective energy of the Gurdwara.
I have to ask rhetorically, because I know the answer: Why is it that when you are extremely grateful and complimentary to some people that they seem to try to do something to make you wonder why you ever were grateful to them in the first place? The answer, I think, is that we all, all of us, have a side, to a greater or lesser extent, that feels we do not deserve the compliments, and so we do something to try to make others hate us.
My own hatred in this situation was so intense Friday evening that I chose not to enter the sadhana room. I did not want to add my angry aura to a peaceful space. I sat with a now dear friend in the kitchen, and she held space for me while I felt the rage of everytime this exact same person has tried to push my buttons. My rage was cumulative and I had forgiven the infraction of my personal boundaries many, many times before, because I appreciate the gifts more than the pain. It all adds up though. And each time it happens again, you wonder how much more of it you can take and still forgive and love.
Though I by no means ever want to endure this behaviour again, I can use the experience this one last time. It brought up loads of the most deeply repressed and supressed rage at the crazy Iranian terrorist from my past, and, in a sense kick-started the down-loading of old junk that needs to be deleted from my brain. Junk that attracts this sort of behaviour. Like a magnet. But let me reiterate that others' responses in that vein come from the fact that they have that junk within them too.
There is always a healing to be had, a silver lining to be found, but that still does not make it okay to try to control someone, no matter how much you try to fool yourself and others into believing you are doing otherwise.
For myself, I will continue to heal the raw, angry places, and as Tibetan Buddhist nun Pema Chödron says...the places that scare me. And I will not allow any more of this controlling behaviour. I wish others the best in their own journeys. When they are ready to approach me on the same level I will be here.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
As The Cocoon Spins
If caterpillars freaked out about 'dying to new life' and morphogenesis the way humans do, we wouldn't have any butterflies. Thank goodness some species aren't afraid to hum and sing and spin into a new existence.
Now that I think about it, chanting the Laya Yoga Ashtang mantra feels like spinning a cocoon. I can literally feel my DNA changing, spiraling, splicing...and helping me learn to let go of situations and friends that though they may have helped me often in the past, are refusing to let me grow and change. Good people who help others, and helped me, but aren't helping me now. This is part of the gift of doing Laya Yoga: to be able to let go of that which hinders.
Christmas morning is when I will emerge from this cocoon. But while inside the spiraling meditational vibration, I can see how some people think they are helping me, but are really helping their own egos, and trying, subconsciously, to prevent me from progressing. I can only imagine that even people who make it their mission to help others advance on the spiritual path, will sometimes balk when they see a student gaining on them, so to speak. If your ego gets attached to the idea of being in charge of other's spiritual advancement, you might not want to let them get to close to where you are on the path. That would explain the seemingly sabotagelike attempts to push my buttons, exhaust me, and do things like suggest that I not do this meditation for 90 days at 31 minutes, as the training manual suggests. Who knows for sure? It does seem a possibility.
Let me rephrase an old adage: If you love something (or someone), but they are hurting you more often than helping you, let them go. If they were ever yours to love, they will come back. If not, they won't. Either way, you succeed, because maintaining the status quo is not life but death. I want to live.
I've been trying to see all of the good, but it doesn't make it okay to continue allowing the hurtfulness just because there is also much good. There is still too much hurtfulness to be balanced out. And this is not my job. It's theirs. I feel like 'Yellow' in "Hope For the Flowers" walking off to let 'Stripe' do his own spinning thing.
Stay tuned for another installment of: 'As The Cocoon Spins'.
Now that I think about it, chanting the Laya Yoga Ashtang mantra feels like spinning a cocoon. I can literally feel my DNA changing, spiraling, splicing...and helping me learn to let go of situations and friends that though they may have helped me often in the past, are refusing to let me grow and change. Good people who help others, and helped me, but aren't helping me now. This is part of the gift of doing Laya Yoga: to be able to let go of that which hinders.
Christmas morning is when I will emerge from this cocoon. But while inside the spiraling meditational vibration, I can see how some people think they are helping me, but are really helping their own egos, and trying, subconsciously, to prevent me from progressing. I can only imagine that even people who make it their mission to help others advance on the spiritual path, will sometimes balk when they see a student gaining on them, so to speak. If your ego gets attached to the idea of being in charge of other's spiritual advancement, you might not want to let them get to close to where you are on the path. That would explain the seemingly sabotagelike attempts to push my buttons, exhaust me, and do things like suggest that I not do this meditation for 90 days at 31 minutes, as the training manual suggests. Who knows for sure? It does seem a possibility.
Let me rephrase an old adage: If you love something (or someone), but they are hurting you more often than helping you, let them go. If they were ever yours to love, they will come back. If not, they won't. Either way, you succeed, because maintaining the status quo is not life but death. I want to live.
I've been trying to see all of the good, but it doesn't make it okay to continue allowing the hurtfulness just because there is also much good. There is still too much hurtfulness to be balanced out. And this is not my job. It's theirs. I feel like 'Yellow' in "Hope For the Flowers" walking off to let 'Stripe' do his own spinning thing.
Stay tuned for another installment of: 'As The Cocoon Spins'.
Monday, November 8, 2010
An Indian Summer Day...
I love the way I feel after doing the Laya Yoga meditation, yet the 40th day was really difficult until the end. I seriously hope the major work is done and these next 50 days will just be to carve it into my psyche in a gentle but lasting way. I don't want to go through any intense misery, deep rage or car accidents on Christmas; on the contrary, I want my Christmas to be peaceful.
Sat Inder Singh and I talked about Christmas in Forest Park today after he taught me the Ashtanga Primary Series. I truly miss the Christmases I had with my family when my mother was alive. Very beautiful and deeply spiritual they were. We lit candles and read from the Bible at dinner every Sunday during Advent. We sang carols at home and door-to-door on Christmas Eve. We went to the candlelight service and also to the Madrigal dinner at UTC complete with a Boar's Head and Wassail to drink and the University Singers singing carols while dressed in Elizabethan garb. We celebrated not only Christmas, but the 12 days of it, and then on the 12th day we celebrated Epiphany~ the day of the Three Wise Men. We opened wooden shoes and drove around to church member's houses to deliver packages of almond pound cake, frankincense and gold chocolate coins. We hung antiphons on the tree based on a Catholic tradition though we weren't Catholic, and talked about many faiths, because, as my father reminded me last night, he and my mother have always believed that there are many ways to reach your true Source.
As I reflected on this while talking to Sat Inder Singh, the light of the setting sun on the most beautiful Indian Summer day I have seen in a while lit up behind him as if his aura were all made of gold. It was very beautiful, and I found myself very grateful once again for his healing touch, kindness, care & love. He has been healing my spine and my heart in ways I'm not even sure he knows he is doing for some time now. He helped me get deeper in Urdhva Dhanurasana and into Bound Lotus. He is truly my best friend. I love him even when he is being a pain, and especially when he is so kind.
I love Yoga.
Sat Inder Singh and I talked about Christmas in Forest Park today after he taught me the Ashtanga Primary Series. I truly miss the Christmases I had with my family when my mother was alive. Very beautiful and deeply spiritual they were. We lit candles and read from the Bible at dinner every Sunday during Advent. We sang carols at home and door-to-door on Christmas Eve. We went to the candlelight service and also to the Madrigal dinner at UTC complete with a Boar's Head and Wassail to drink and the University Singers singing carols while dressed in Elizabethan garb. We celebrated not only Christmas, but the 12 days of it, and then on the 12th day we celebrated Epiphany~ the day of the Three Wise Men. We opened wooden shoes and drove around to church member's houses to deliver packages of almond pound cake, frankincense and gold chocolate coins. We hung antiphons on the tree based on a Catholic tradition though we weren't Catholic, and talked about many faiths, because, as my father reminded me last night, he and my mother have always believed that there are many ways to reach your true Source.
As I reflected on this while talking to Sat Inder Singh, the light of the setting sun on the most beautiful Indian Summer day I have seen in a while lit up behind him as if his aura were all made of gold. It was very beautiful, and I found myself very grateful once again for his healing touch, kindness, care & love. He has been healing my spine and my heart in ways I'm not even sure he knows he is doing for some time now. He helped me get deeper in Urdhva Dhanurasana and into Bound Lotus. He is truly my best friend. I love him even when he is being a pain, and especially when he is so kind.
I love Yoga.
Friday, November 5, 2010
40 DAYS OF LAYA YOGA!
On this Friday morning, the 5th of November, I sat for 31 minutes of Laya Yoga meditation with the Ashtang mantra for the 40th day! It was peaceful, it was uneventful, and yet deeply energizing and healing. I sat for it right after Sadhana. Then the rest of the day got under way...
I spoke with the adjustor in charge of examining my vehicle for the insurance company of the woman who hit me, and he felt that my being finished with the chiropractor around 1 or 2 pm meant the whole day was a wash, and therefore we should meet on Monday. Except he would not commit to a specific time. He said he would call me at 8 am on Monday (how presumptuous to assume that would be okay) to discuss a time THEN. I suffered with that pronouncement for a half hour before calling him back and insisting he at least commit to a 'block of time'. I said I could not just leave my whole day open for him. He wondered why I was in such a hurry, since I have until next Friday before I leave again for Kansas City. Truly clueless and thoughtless, he still resolved to meet me around one. I hated having to harangue a commitment from him.
Then I went to the chiropractor. Uncharacteristically, they were on time. After a year of going to that office for a previous neck injury, I rarely have seen them organized either with time, attention, or the details of therapy and treatment. Everything is haphazard and slapdash. I have continued to go there because I work there in the adjacent yoga studio, and receive a discount on my treatment. When things are somewhat organized I get treated well. Way many more times than I can count though, they have skipped necessary treatments, forgotten to do therapies until I reminded them, and badgered me to get trigger point injection shots over actual traditional physical manipulation. Every time I say no. Yet they still push it.
This morning no exception, they spent 40 minutes using some sort of electrical apparatus involving lines drawn on my arms and gel placed there, while they sent minor shocks through my body over 3 dozen times. I'm not quit sure how cringing from pain like a bee sting repeatedly helps my neck and back? Not to mention that the recent injury to my spine occurred over a week ago, and when I attended this same office last Friday, all I received was electrical stimulation. No adjustment. No X-Ray. And fillng out the papers and having the nurse practitioner take my vitals and range of motion took an unprecendented 2 and 1/2 hours.
Finally, today, I think I am actually going to get treatment, but don't. After shocking me with their expensive and ridiculous equipment, a doctor recently added to the staff walked in, and proceeded to address his speech to the assistant as if I were not present. He waited for her to introduce him, as if he were royalty. Then he asked a series of questions, to which I responded. All of them could have been answered if he had actually looked at my file, which he held self-importantly in his hands as if he had read it. He wasn't even aware that I had been a patient there for year, nor of any details of my recent injury, let alone the previous one where my spine almost snapped!
After answering his questions, I asked if he had read my file, because many of the answers I had just given were there. He ignored my question to spend the next 5 minutes perusing them like Cliff Notes. Then he paused, looked up, and addresed me again, still without once looking at me. He asked another question to which I replied. He then informed that if "we kep(t) on at this pace, we'd be there until midnight." He also proclaimed that he would now resort to framing his questions in a 'yes' or 'no' fashion, and that I should respond appropriately.
I took the opportunity to fold my arms and cross my legs, as I lay like a patient awaiting shock treatment while simultaneously on the witness stand in a trial of my patience with an arrogant, egotistical and irresponsible excuse for a doctor. Many of his ensuing barrage of questions were not phrased in such a way as to allow for a yes or no response. Each time one arose such as that I informed him of the discrepancy, including the one where I was to describe the level of my pain. Definitely not a 'yes or no'.
Then I sat up, and informed him that all of this was a waste of my precious time, as visiting this office had been on many occassions prior to his recent employment. I stated succinctly how it was plainly obvious he had not done his homework on my treatment and was wasting my time grilling me with endless questions he would find the answers to in my file if he would only but look, and treating me as if I were on a witness stand, and not in a chiropractor's office awaiting relief from pain. I mentioned that their new-dangled expensive equipment had done nothing but cause me more pain, and all it amounted to were diagnostic tests...not actual treatment.
He finally got a clue and said he had not meant to offend me. I said, "Oh, but you have. And if this is your way of apologizing, then I accept, but this is likely the last time I will visit this office ever again."
Well then the staff came running to apologize and ask for a recounting of his words, which I and the assistant gave. They were appalled. I was appalled. They apologized, but I said I was done. And the minute I walked out the door, I felt as if a huge weight had been taken off my chest. For the first time in my life, rushing adrenaline, anger, even heart-pounding rage at yet another doctor's arrogance had not resulted in an inability to speak without being flustered, nor had it triggered an asthma attack, or constriction of my breathing at being basically told to shut up. Quite the reverse!
This meditation is designed to suspend one above conflicts, and help you focus on real priorities while sacrificing what you need to accomplish them. I have decided not to worry if this response to an arrogant doctor will potentially affect my employment. I have decided not to worry if the claims adjustor thinks I am a bitch for making him do his job.
And then I decided to go and see Emmet Schmelig for the most fantastic massage of my life! My whole body has been so tense and taught from pain for years, stemming originally from going over a cliff at 18 in a little Honda Accord, 25 years ago, followed by many more accidents and injuries. Between the tender, loving care I received from Emmet, and also last week in Kansas City from Sarab Nam Singh, I think I may heal from more than this recent injury! To also have stood up for myself without getting confused, doubting my actions, or coughing or gagging with what have become fairly infrequent asthma attacks, makes me wonder at how much healing this meditation has done.
I feel freer. I felt safe with Emmet in a massage situation, which has not always felt safe for me. I feel more whole. I feel vindicated. Respected. Finally, I expect that respect. I will continue, with the Grace of God to do this meditation beyond 40 Days. I intend to complete 90 Days on Christmas Day at Summer Solstice.
Incidentally, today I also sent off an e-mail, at a friend's suggestion, to see about serving on Gurdwara missl at Solstice, so I can both be close to the Guru, whom I have fallen in love with, and so that my back and neck can continue to heal. So much has happened in one day! The lightness and weightlessness I feel now after Emmet's gift of a much needed healing massage, is like the icing on the cake. Commitment to this practice, and commitment to honoring the expectation that others respect me and my time as well as theirs, and not just theirs, is phenomenal to say the least. This being one of the longer posts I have written, it seems appropriate in relation to not only the variety of experience on this 40th day, but the nature of the occassion itself. I refuse to condense this post down further. Ever word is pertinent, and voice will be heard. Too long have I cut off my ability to communicate out of fear. I do so no longer. I am not afraid of doctors, adjustors, spiders, or even ex-stalkers. Well, maybe I have a little fear left for spiders, but I am working on that with another meditation to release fear. This one, Laya Yoga, has helped me to let go of worrying about what other people think so I can function as a whole and holy human being. Bless Yogi Bhajan.
I spoke with the adjustor in charge of examining my vehicle for the insurance company of the woman who hit me, and he felt that my being finished with the chiropractor around 1 or 2 pm meant the whole day was a wash, and therefore we should meet on Monday. Except he would not commit to a specific time. He said he would call me at 8 am on Monday (how presumptuous to assume that would be okay) to discuss a time THEN. I suffered with that pronouncement for a half hour before calling him back and insisting he at least commit to a 'block of time'. I said I could not just leave my whole day open for him. He wondered why I was in such a hurry, since I have until next Friday before I leave again for Kansas City. Truly clueless and thoughtless, he still resolved to meet me around one. I hated having to harangue a commitment from him.
Then I went to the chiropractor. Uncharacteristically, they were on time. After a year of going to that office for a previous neck injury, I rarely have seen them organized either with time, attention, or the details of therapy and treatment. Everything is haphazard and slapdash. I have continued to go there because I work there in the adjacent yoga studio, and receive a discount on my treatment. When things are somewhat organized I get treated well. Way many more times than I can count though, they have skipped necessary treatments, forgotten to do therapies until I reminded them, and badgered me to get trigger point injection shots over actual traditional physical manipulation. Every time I say no. Yet they still push it.
This morning no exception, they spent 40 minutes using some sort of electrical apparatus involving lines drawn on my arms and gel placed there, while they sent minor shocks through my body over 3 dozen times. I'm not quit sure how cringing from pain like a bee sting repeatedly helps my neck and back? Not to mention that the recent injury to my spine occurred over a week ago, and when I attended this same office last Friday, all I received was electrical stimulation. No adjustment. No X-Ray. And fillng out the papers and having the nurse practitioner take my vitals and range of motion took an unprecendented 2 and 1/2 hours.
Finally, today, I think I am actually going to get treatment, but don't. After shocking me with their expensive and ridiculous equipment, a doctor recently added to the staff walked in, and proceeded to address his speech to the assistant as if I were not present. He waited for her to introduce him, as if he were royalty. Then he asked a series of questions, to which I responded. All of them could have been answered if he had actually looked at my file, which he held self-importantly in his hands as if he had read it. He wasn't even aware that I had been a patient there for year, nor of any details of my recent injury, let alone the previous one where my spine almost snapped!
After answering his questions, I asked if he had read my file, because many of the answers I had just given were there. He ignored my question to spend the next 5 minutes perusing them like Cliff Notes. Then he paused, looked up, and addresed me again, still without once looking at me. He asked another question to which I replied. He then informed that if "we kep(t) on at this pace, we'd be there until midnight." He also proclaimed that he would now resort to framing his questions in a 'yes' or 'no' fashion, and that I should respond appropriately.
I took the opportunity to fold my arms and cross my legs, as I lay like a patient awaiting shock treatment while simultaneously on the witness stand in a trial of my patience with an arrogant, egotistical and irresponsible excuse for a doctor. Many of his ensuing barrage of questions were not phrased in such a way as to allow for a yes or no response. Each time one arose such as that I informed him of the discrepancy, including the one where I was to describe the level of my pain. Definitely not a 'yes or no'.
Then I sat up, and informed him that all of this was a waste of my precious time, as visiting this office had been on many occassions prior to his recent employment. I stated succinctly how it was plainly obvious he had not done his homework on my treatment and was wasting my time grilling me with endless questions he would find the answers to in my file if he would only but look, and treating me as if I were on a witness stand, and not in a chiropractor's office awaiting relief from pain. I mentioned that their new-dangled expensive equipment had done nothing but cause me more pain, and all it amounted to were diagnostic tests...not actual treatment.
He finally got a clue and said he had not meant to offend me. I said, "Oh, but you have. And if this is your way of apologizing, then I accept, but this is likely the last time I will visit this office ever again."
Well then the staff came running to apologize and ask for a recounting of his words, which I and the assistant gave. They were appalled. I was appalled. They apologized, but I said I was done. And the minute I walked out the door, I felt as if a huge weight had been taken off my chest. For the first time in my life, rushing adrenaline, anger, even heart-pounding rage at yet another doctor's arrogance had not resulted in an inability to speak without being flustered, nor had it triggered an asthma attack, or constriction of my breathing at being basically told to shut up. Quite the reverse!
This meditation is designed to suspend one above conflicts, and help you focus on real priorities while sacrificing what you need to accomplish them. I have decided not to worry if this response to an arrogant doctor will potentially affect my employment. I have decided not to worry if the claims adjustor thinks I am a bitch for making him do his job.
And then I decided to go and see Emmet Schmelig for the most fantastic massage of my life! My whole body has been so tense and taught from pain for years, stemming originally from going over a cliff at 18 in a little Honda Accord, 25 years ago, followed by many more accidents and injuries. Between the tender, loving care I received from Emmet, and also last week in Kansas City from Sarab Nam Singh, I think I may heal from more than this recent injury! To also have stood up for myself without getting confused, doubting my actions, or coughing or gagging with what have become fairly infrequent asthma attacks, makes me wonder at how much healing this meditation has done.
I feel freer. I felt safe with Emmet in a massage situation, which has not always felt safe for me. I feel more whole. I feel vindicated. Respected. Finally, I expect that respect. I will continue, with the Grace of God to do this meditation beyond 40 Days. I intend to complete 90 Days on Christmas Day at Summer Solstice.
Incidentally, today I also sent off an e-mail, at a friend's suggestion, to see about serving on Gurdwara missl at Solstice, so I can both be close to the Guru, whom I have fallen in love with, and so that my back and neck can continue to heal. So much has happened in one day! The lightness and weightlessness I feel now after Emmet's gift of a much needed healing massage, is like the icing on the cake. Commitment to this practice, and commitment to honoring the expectation that others respect me and my time as well as theirs, and not just theirs, is phenomenal to say the least. This being one of the longer posts I have written, it seems appropriate in relation to not only the variety of experience on this 40th day, but the nature of the occassion itself. I refuse to condense this post down further. Ever word is pertinent, and voice will be heard. Too long have I cut off my ability to communicate out of fear. I do so no longer. I am not afraid of doctors, adjustors, spiders, or even ex-stalkers. Well, maybe I have a little fear left for spiders, but I am working on that with another meditation to release fear. This one, Laya Yoga, has helped me to let go of worrying about what other people think so I can function as a whole and holy human being. Bless Yogi Bhajan.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Bouncing Around the Sadhana Room
Funny that tomorrow marks 300 Days in a row of the Releasing Fear meditation, because a Tiger-striped Jumping Spider bounced into the meditation room this morning around 4:20 am! He sort of stopped when I saw him and acted like he was having a fearfully special moment himself. Having spent nearly my entire life so freakishly afraid of spiders that I have been known to throw books containing pictures of spiders across the room, I find it heart-palpitatingly funny that this big ass spider showed up today. Less than a foot from me during Japji, only my eyes bugged out to match his...whereas in recent years I would have spontaneously and uncontrollably let loose a hideous, blood-curdling scream! Thankfully, I did not scream over KartaPurkh, and Sat Inder Kaur was only moderately aware of some strange goings-on.
I tried to put him in a sour cream container, but was unsuccessful, so said spider is probably setting up shop under the bookcase, or lurking in the air vent. I trundled off to bed for a nap later, sincerely hoping that the spider got a clue and left the house, and if not, that my mouth would stay closed while sleeping just in case he were to bounce into the bedroom. After these early morning antics, the rest of the day was fairly tame.
I tried to put him in a sour cream container, but was unsuccessful, so said spider is probably setting up shop under the bookcase, or lurking in the air vent. I trundled off to bed for a nap later, sincerely hoping that the spider got a clue and left the house, and if not, that my mouth would stay closed while sleeping just in case he were to bounce into the bedroom. After these early morning antics, the rest of the day was fairly tame.
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