It was -9 degrees (if you count the windchill factor), when I stepped off the train last night at 11:15 pm, to run like crazy for the toasty warmth of my friend Joe's car. "Hell must be a frozen wasteland," I thought..."heat would be Heaven."
At home, this morning, leafing through my borrowed copy of Charles de Lint's fantasy classic "Moonheart", I find that metaphor apt in relation to chasing down the missing pieces of my soul, my identity. If the Soul Body and the Subtle Body are deeply intertwined and leave the Physical Body at death, then for many years mine was hovering. The rathe'wen'a that work to keep the spark of Sara's soul from being snuffed out, parallel all the people, but particularly my father and my mother (on the otherside), who were working to keep my spark alive. If I am protective of my sleep and the healing benefits it brings, it is because, I never want to go back to being as sickly as I was years ago, and I know I need my sleep. When I came to Sat Tirath Ashram, I explained that concern. Nothing has changed in that respect.
After arriving last weekend expecting to share a room with one person, it turned into three, with no warning. Additional stress out of nowhere, with none of us wanting to sleep on a top bunk, meant for me, that my frustration at what seems to be a constant undercurrent of passive-aggressivity at the Ashram was confirmed more deeply. The comments made in response to my protests only added fuel to the fire of knowing I needed my sleep now more than ever...especially after falling down the stairs, pretty much right after hearing that we would all be expected to sleep in close quarters with tons of luggage between us. Not relaxing to say the least. Because I have no desire whatsoever to sleep in a bunkbed ever again, I will never stay in a cabin at Solstice. For most people, the intrigue of sleeping in a bunk wears off at about the age of 12 or 14. At 43, I know I don't want to be in the position again of knowing all of us are wishing someone else would take the bunk.
Not to mention the patronizing comments I listened to in relation to my protests at both the situation itself, and the lack of consideration to inform any of us prior to walking in the door.
When one is trying to find the lost sparks of one's soul, as many of us are, not just me, sleep is of the essence. If you can't sleep well, it is hard to travel deep into the dark corridors of the mind searching for more lost pieces and fragments. If you feel angry at the prospect of having to repeat yourself over the concern of respect for your sleep and reasonable personal space to retreat to, you do things like falling down the stairs...which I did. This made it excruciating to sleep the first night...with pain and jittery pain killers, and growing irritation that made it supremely difficult to sleep through snoring. The second night, with subsiding pain, a significant amount of venting, a nap alone, and no further threat of bunk bed coin tosses, I slept better. The snoring was no longer an issue. In fact, I sort of welcomed it to help my body and mind become gradually less sensitive to environmental strains on my sleep. Gradually. That's the key word.
If I never see another fucking bunk bed, I could live at peace.
Back at home for one night, in a warm bed with no bunks, and lots of space, I find myself like Sara in de Lint's story, resting softly in the light and core of my being, with the strength again, after a frustrating weekend, to search deeply for more missing fragments that hid themselves away years ago. Searching through the corridors of sleep last night was restful, and my aching body felt no more pain on my ten-year-old, but well taken care of, Sealy-Posturepedic. Like a cloud. Like Heaven.
Why again am I going to Winter Solstice? I feel like I need a week to recover from the Ashram. Both for sleep, and for the chiropractor to continue to heal my spine from multiple cervical and lumbar spine injuries. I am not at all sure of going to Winter Solstice. I am very sure that I like my bed, and my chiropractor, and I think I might like to hang around them both for a while...
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