With the crickets still singing in tandem with a solitary cicada, and the stars hanging weightless in a cool, indigo sky, I got up with a twinge of apprehension and excitement to sit for Sadhana and to attend Gurdwara for the second time this week, while in the Kansas City Ashram of Sri Tirath. I read Japji by myself, as no one else was there. At first I was sort of miffed, but found I was perfectly capable of reading Japji alone. Karta Purkh came down eventually, and we sang to Mata Mandir Singh's "Live from Sweden" CD. I loved how it tests my vocal range and seems to have expanded it.
Toward the end of "Wahe Guru" I did not get shaky, but I realized that I had not brought an offering for the Guru neither yesterday nor today. I debated about running back to the room to grab a few dollars. A small voice firmly suggested I do so. So I did. When I came back, the moment I began to sing again, my voice expanded beyond my imagination! I found myself promising God and Guru that I understood this lesson about not going 'empty-handed' to Gurdwara (the Guru's Door). I made God a promise that if I could sing as beautifully as Simrit Kaur and Sat Purkh, I would dedicate part of the money received to dasvandh, and repaying my father and Rick for their kindness in helping me climb out from under the depths of despair.
When Karta Purkh and I entered Gurdwara, he asked if I wanted to read a Hukam. I said "Yes!" and he explained the protocol of doing so. The book opened for me at page 662, and my eyes were scanning to the other page, but Karta Purkh said we usually read from the first whole paragraph. That Hukam spoke of how a thief in the eyes of the Guru can be invisible to the eyes of others, but not to God and Guru. I took it to heart. I had not consciously meant not to bring money either today or the day before, I just had not.
However, I had been wishing that I did not have to pay for my tuition or books. I felt quite guilty for wishing that. I had been ready to do so at the last session, yet Sat Inder Singh was in such a hurry. So now I owed for two weekends, not just one, and some books and CDs. I knew I needed to write the check as soon as possible, and was apalled at myself. Not only that, but I was feeling tremendous guilt for the years past, and all the financial help that my father and Rick provided. Granted, I needed it, but where the real guilt comes in is this:
When I first asked for help, my father did not take me seriously, because the last time I had fallen flat on my face and he helped me, I took it for granted. When I got well that time, I went straight back to what I had done before. So the second time I lied about how much help I really needed. I was so sick that I needed to not work at all for quite some time. I knew I was not fit for a regular job outside of the craziness of the strip club industry, and yet I also could not heal while working there. I tried to apply for several positions at a jewelry store and knit shop, but was so exhausted just from moving.
I had been struggling with Chronic Fatigue and was developing Fibromyalgia. I also had begun vomiting in the morning frequently, and several times losing control of my bowels. How could I possibly work? I couldn't even clean my own apartment. I knew that Dad wanted to know for sure that I had stopped working in the clubs, but I couldn't prove that to him by getting another job. At least the club would let me work one day a week, and ignore me if I had to lie down alot. It was a Catch-22.
So I lied. I told my father that I had jobs which I did not. I could have told him how sick I really was but I didn't...until later. I could have told him how I never wanted to work in the clubs again, but that wasn't true. I missed being beautiful and in control, admired and catered to by men. I loved dancing on stage. I tried to ignore how much I hated giving privates. But I wanted to get well and go back to dancing, like a true addict. I knew my Dad would not go for that, so I lied. Yet, in the process of getting well from all those illnesses and potential illnesses, I've found I really don't want to be a stripper anymore.
I've begun to teach yoga for the last 2 and 1/2 years and I love it! I love it more than I used to love teaching aerobics in the 80s, before I ever danced. I wish I could make more money at it than I do. I want to focus on teaching yoga, singing and chanting and getting better at it so that I CAN make a decent living from it while doing what I love. To do that, I still need financial help. Now I do not lie about why I need the help, but I do ask. I am not a thief anymore, but I was one once...and the Guru called me on it.
The Guru also let me have a bit of Grace: the next page over, 663, housed the words of a Gurbani hymn set to music by Singh Kaur that I love. I have often wondered where the Gurmukhi words to the 'Azure Salver' could be found, and there they were in the slokah that I tried to read first. I believe I was meant to read it too, but not before taking my medecine.
As I read the 'Azure Salver', the words inspired me to continue reading up to page 670. I felt my head begin to wobble from all of the wisdom overloading it about two pages before. I saw I was getting greedy for the Guru, and stopped before my head might have exploded (maybe), but I literally swooned at the thought of leaving the Gurdwara. I could not bring myself to leave. I had fallen in love with the Guru. I felt like a bride. Like a gopi for Krishna. Like a Bibi for her Guru Nanak.
I remembered Karta Purkh saying that I seemed to enjoy singing the mantras so much, and seemed to have a 'knack' for reading from the Guru in Gurmukhi, and that I should consider singing Kirtan and Rhehiras, as well as devoting myself to the Siri Guru Granth Sahib. I feel I have been a priest, a scribe, a temple consort, a geisha to a priest, and many other things in my lifetimes. I feel I am uniquely blessed in this lifetime to have the benefit of such a rich and varied karmic history to guide me now in the teaching of yoga and the singing of hymns and kirtans for the Guru. He will not fail me. He will raise me up and heal me so that I may heal others and repay the kindness of those who have helped to heal me, and who continue to do so.
May I be blessed to not only help my father on his journey through healing from cancer, but to sing from the deepest part of my heart out of love and gratitude for God and Guru!
No comments:
Post a Comment