I was just feeling almost human again, after a night of releasing anxiety, when, instead of doing the rest of my Aquarian Sadhana practice late yesterday, I was unable to ignore a friend calling me a 'pansy' for asking them not to make me cry, and because I started sadhana late. I finally did Sadhana much, much later yesterday. Today I almost did not. Fortunately, I realized my desire not to would be an act of cutting my own nose off to spite my face, so to speak, simply because I resented being told what to do.
I am pretty self-motivated. The only reason I am actually doing sadhana every day, is because it keeps me from totally freaking out over Dad's cancer; but I can't get up always at 3:30 am to do it. Sometimes my head hurts too much, and that doesn't seem to go away, unlike queasiness from exhaustion, which seems to if I do sadhana anyway...the headaches stay. Unless I stay in bed longer. Other old illnesses have re-emerged as well. I can't always do sadhana so early. I mentioned it to Guru Sandesh and Sat Inder Kaur and they both said: "at least you are doing it! Sadhana is good whatever time of day."
And so is Bound Lotus, and the Releasing Fear meditation, and the chanting I am doing along with hundreds of other people during the 13th days since Thomas Ashley-Farrand's death from excruciatingly painful liver cancer. So is saying the So Purkh for my Dad, for Joe, and for Sat Inder Singh. So is my ongoing Sanskrit mantra practice that I have been doing all day long for years. And so is chanting the Laya Yoga Ashtang mantra.
Especially that.
Yesterday's text messaging brouhaha left me with dark circles, really, really bloodshot eyes, and a huge lump in my throat. Some of the things my friend said to me in the past have reminded me of the way the man who tortured me and stalked me for years spoke to me~ and yet my friend is a good person. He really does not mean to hurt me...and yet he does. When he speaks to me sometimes like that, he later pretends he was only teasing, or 'yanking my chain'; he wants to hide his darker side and pretend that it isn't there. I hear it and read it in his words. I am not stupid, and my intuition is not wrong.
I have decided that as much as I predominantly enjoy his friendship, I refuse to be spoken to this way anymore. And as much as he thinks I chant too much, it is the very chanting that I do that allows me not to indulge my own dark side and attack him intensely with darker thoughts than just pain. The way he badgers is too much. I can't take it anymore, especially with Dad sick.
And what is more, contrary to what my friend thinks, the chanting I do for my father can help him. The So Purkh. Ra Ma Da Sa.
The chanting of the Aquarian mantras and the Laya Yoga practice are healing me. Healing me in a way in which Bound Lotus is not. Bound Lotus seems to be healing the more physical problems I've had, while Sadhana takes away the anxiety, and this Laya Yoga practice is the healing balm. It is like sweet honey in the raw wound. Like the honey of my name Amrita, it has healed my heart and mind both yesterday and today. It has brought me peace since I began it. It brings me peace every day I do it, no matter what time.
Yes, sadhana and the other practices have a stronger effect if done during the Amrit Vela, but if I can't bring myself to do them then, I still do them everyday. Sadhana every day as soon as I can is my commitment. 1'000 days of Bound Lotus is my commitment. 1'000 days of Releasing Fear meditation is my commitment. 90 days of Laya Yoga for 31 minutes, just like Bound Lotus, is my commitment. That's more than most people do. If I fail to do them all during the Amrit Vela, maybe the honey, the nectar of the names spoken in earnest when I can do them comes anyway...
Like my name, Amrita, that nectar will always belong to me as a child of the universe trying deeply to open her heart, even when people step on it.
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