Just before the 'Swan Song'

I've been drawing closer to finishing 120 days of Laya Yoga with the Ashtang mantra, after having originally begun it for 40 days! The instructions for the practice say that one can commit to it for 40, 90, or 120 days. Each time I passed a mark, I wanted to continue. 90 days were completed on Christmas, which was kinda cool, because the music from Sat Kartar's album that I was listening to, sampled Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite, specifically The Dance of the Sugarplum Faeries. What could be more dear to a girl's heart? And at that, a girl who loves to dance?

Speaking of dancing, I went to see "Black Swan", and was floored. Not only did I see exactly what that jerk was referring to when he tried to seduce my ass, but much more importantly, I was blown away by the beauty of the film, and the poignancy of Natalie Portman's acting.

I have to say that I am one of those high-falutin', intellectual, art-house film movie snobs, and yet I am deeply impressed by this movie. So what if it crosses into the horror genre? Psychological horror such as this is the thinking man's horror, and it accurately gives the feel of what it might feel like to have your mind short-circuit on you.

This movie also made me think of the young schizophrenic in Kathe Koja's story from the 90's ~ "Strange Angels". He is turning into an angel, and is falling for another angel against the wishes of a young man who is obsessed with him. "Black Swan", in my mind, is sort of an amalgamation of Phantom of the Opera, Mommie Dearest, and Koja's story. Plus, the stories that my friend Paul ('The One Man Riot') told me make it pretty surreal and dead-on about the schizophrenia. What I want to know is, was she imagining the ending as well? And did we, as the audience, start to believe the unreal as well? Which brings me back to Koja's book, because in that you can't tell if the friend of the angel is just hallucinating himself?

Additionally, for those purist ballet critics, so what if it isn't technically tight, and Natalie Portman's port-de-bras need work? Wasn't her teacher saying that technicality wasn't everything? Could any of the 'technically-oriented' ballerinas like Rojo put on the performance of their lives as actresses as well as dancers in a film? Maybe. Maybe not.

If someone made a movie about the downwardly-spiraling psyche of an exotic dancer, as a former one, I don't think I'd quibble over whether her pole-dancing was technically 'on' point. I'd be looking to see if they could portray the highly competitive nature of the lo-brow 'dance world', and the way the industry can make it hard to keep your bearings as you twirl and shake your bootie across the stage. Not to mention the damage to one's spine and knees with 14 years of excessive daily shoulderstands, headstands, forward rolls and other such ways to destroy your body. I'd be curious to see how they portrayed the way men in positions of power, old dancers obsessed with living through you, and cruel high-school tactics can make you feel as if you are going crazy.

I studied ballet, and jazz and modern. I never took pointe. I was an ice skater too. When the movie "Ice Castles" came out, I don't remember my fellow ice skaters and I quibbling over whether her double-toe loops or salchows were dead on, but maybe I just missed those conversations. When "Flashdance" came out, I didn't hear strippers attacking Jennifer Beale's technique. What makes ballet dancers so snotty?

Bottom-line, when we all can get over worrying about whether our port-de-bras, our booty shakes, or our salchows look perfect...at the end of the day this movie is an excellent psychological thriller that travels well the corridors of a young woman's mind crafted by her mother into a Bonsai tree, and now breaking the bounds of the tiny pot, and losing a bit of her mind as she does so much growing in a short period of time that her mind threatens to crash like a computer that's overloaded and never even seen McAfee to boot.

Food for thought, on why my mind seemed to crash so horrendously itself years ago...and why it seems to be 're-formatting' and cleaning the hard drive through Kundalini Yoga.