I had my first Indian Gurdwara experience today through the kindness of Dharamjodh. Home after a beautiful day in the whiteness and peace of the snow, I feel so happy. I felt happy talking and chatting to 9-year-old Pavandeep. This is the Grace of the Guru. God Bless.
While at Gurdwara, one of the ladies with me on the women's side motioned to me to get up and said, "Your husband is waiting for you." I smiled hugely. Dharamjodh is my friend and brother, but I realized in that instant that I enjoyed hearing those words, and I would like for there to be someone in my future that those words could be said about and have them be true. That just makes me smile. And the more I thought about it, I realized that there is someone already for whom I wish that were true.
Where I really get nervous about this realization, besides the fact that it can't really happen in any form or fashion right now, is that I don't just feel warm fuzzies towards him, I feel a ravenous lustful hunger. This is likely partly due to the fact that I have for many, many, many years tried to remain celibate simply to keep from losing more energy than I had to lose years ago. It is also, because, as they say, I have "issues" down there. I don't like to feel my lower chakras at all! What is that quote from the Gnostic Gospels? If you bring forth what is inside you, what is inside you will save you. If you do not bring forth what is inside you, what is inside you will destroy you. Basically, acknowledge your personal demons, and accept that maybe they aren't demons really, but supressed parts of your psyche that are angry and bitter at having been supressed and repressed.
I know why I supressed my desire. In the past, I was always attracted to men who were extremely unhealthy for me, and fit easily into patterns of abuse that were already set in place. With all these years of work and meditation behind me to get out of those 'ruts' and 'bad grooves', can I trust myself now to make a good choice?
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