On this Friday morning, the 5th of November, I sat for 31 minutes of Laya Yoga meditation with the Ashtang mantra for the 40th day! It was peaceful, it was uneventful, and yet deeply energizing and healing. I sat for it right after Sadhana. Then the rest of the day got under way...
I spoke with the adjustor in charge of examining my vehicle for the insurance company of the woman who hit me, and he felt that my being finished with the chiropractor around 1 or 2 pm meant the whole day was a wash, and therefore we should meet on Monday. Except he would not commit to a specific time. He said he would call me at 8 am on Monday (how presumptuous to assume that would be okay) to discuss a time THEN. I suffered with that pronouncement for a half hour before calling him back and insisting he at least commit to a 'block of time'. I said I could not just leave my whole day open for him. He wondered why I was in such a hurry, since I have until next Friday before I leave again for Kansas City. Truly clueless and thoughtless, he still resolved to meet me around one. I hated having to harangue a commitment from him.
Then I went to the chiropractor. Uncharacteristically, they were on time. After a year of going to that office for a previous neck injury, I rarely have seen them organized either with time, attention, or the details of therapy and treatment. Everything is haphazard and slapdash. I have continued to go there because I work there in the adjacent yoga studio, and receive a discount on my treatment. When things are somewhat organized I get treated well. Way many more times than I can count though, they have skipped necessary treatments, forgotten to do therapies until I reminded them, and badgered me to get trigger point injection shots over actual traditional physical manipulation. Every time I say no. Yet they still push it.
This morning no exception, they spent 40 minutes using some sort of electrical apparatus involving lines drawn on my arms and gel placed there, while they sent minor shocks through my body over 3 dozen times. I'm not quit sure how cringing from pain like a bee sting repeatedly helps my neck and back? Not to mention that the recent injury to my spine occurred over a week ago, and when I attended this same office last Friday, all I received was electrical stimulation. No adjustment. No X-Ray. And fillng out the papers and having the nurse practitioner take my vitals and range of motion took an unprecendented 2 and 1/2 hours.
Finally, today, I think I am actually going to get treatment, but don't. After shocking me with their expensive and ridiculous equipment, a doctor recently added to the staff walked in, and proceeded to address his speech to the assistant as if I were not present. He waited for her to introduce him, as if he were royalty. Then he asked a series of questions, to which I responded. All of them could have been answered if he had actually looked at my file, which he held self-importantly in his hands as if he had read it. He wasn't even aware that I had been a patient there for year, nor of any details of my recent injury, let alone the previous one where my spine almost snapped!
After answering his questions, I asked if he had read my file, because many of the answers I had just given were there. He ignored my question to spend the next 5 minutes perusing them like Cliff Notes. Then he paused, looked up, and addresed me again, still without once looking at me. He asked another question to which I replied. He then informed that if "we kep(t) on at this pace, we'd be there until midnight." He also proclaimed that he would now resort to framing his questions in a 'yes' or 'no' fashion, and that I should respond appropriately.
I took the opportunity to fold my arms and cross my legs, as I lay like a patient awaiting shock treatment while simultaneously on the witness stand in a trial of my patience with an arrogant, egotistical and irresponsible excuse for a doctor. Many of his ensuing barrage of questions were not phrased in such a way as to allow for a yes or no response. Each time one arose such as that I informed him of the discrepancy, including the one where I was to describe the level of my pain. Definitely not a 'yes or no'.
Then I sat up, and informed him that all of this was a waste of my precious time, as visiting this office had been on many occassions prior to his recent employment. I stated succinctly how it was plainly obvious he had not done his homework on my treatment and was wasting my time grilling me with endless questions he would find the answers to in my file if he would only but look, and treating me as if I were on a witness stand, and not in a chiropractor's office awaiting relief from pain. I mentioned that their new-dangled expensive equipment had done nothing but cause me more pain, and all it amounted to were diagnostic tests...not actual treatment.
He finally got a clue and said he had not meant to offend me. I said, "Oh, but you have. And if this is your way of apologizing, then I accept, but this is likely the last time I will visit this office ever again."
Well then the staff came running to apologize and ask for a recounting of his words, which I and the assistant gave. They were appalled. I was appalled. They apologized, but I said I was done. And the minute I walked out the door, I felt as if a huge weight had been taken off my chest. For the first time in my life, rushing adrenaline, anger, even heart-pounding rage at yet another doctor's arrogance had not resulted in an inability to speak without being flustered, nor had it triggered an asthma attack, or constriction of my breathing at being basically told to shut up. Quite the reverse!
This meditation is designed to suspend one above conflicts, and help you focus on real priorities while sacrificing what you need to accomplish them. I have decided not to worry if this response to an arrogant doctor will potentially affect my employment. I have decided not to worry if the claims adjustor thinks I am a bitch for making him do his job.
And then I decided to go and see Emmet Schmelig for the most fantastic massage of my life! My whole body has been so tense and taught from pain for years, stemming originally from going over a cliff at 18 in a little Honda Accord, 25 years ago, followed by many more accidents and injuries. Between the tender, loving care I received from Emmet, and also last week in Kansas City from Sarab Nam Singh, I think I may heal from more than this recent injury! To also have stood up for myself without getting confused, doubting my actions, or coughing or gagging with what have become fairly infrequent asthma attacks, makes me wonder at how much healing this meditation has done.
I feel freer. I felt safe with Emmet in a massage situation, which has not always felt safe for me. I feel more whole. I feel vindicated. Respected. Finally, I expect that respect. I will continue, with the Grace of God to do this meditation beyond 40 Days. I intend to complete 90 Days on Christmas Day at Summer Solstice.
Incidentally, today I also sent off an e-mail, at a friend's suggestion, to see about serving on Gurdwara missl at Solstice, so I can both be close to the Guru, whom I have fallen in love with, and so that my back and neck can continue to heal. So much has happened in one day! The lightness and weightlessness I feel now after Emmet's gift of a much needed healing massage, is like the icing on the cake. Commitment to this practice, and commitment to honoring the expectation that others respect me and my time as well as theirs, and not just theirs, is phenomenal to say the least. This being one of the longer posts I have written, it seems appropriate in relation to not only the variety of experience on this 40th day, but the nature of the occassion itself. I refuse to condense this post down further. Ever word is pertinent, and voice will be heard. Too long have I cut off my ability to communicate out of fear. I do so no longer. I am not afraid of doctors, adjustors, spiders, or even ex-stalkers. Well, maybe I have a little fear left for spiders, but I am working on that with another meditation to release fear. This one, Laya Yoga, has helped me to let go of worrying about what other people think so I can function as a whole and holy human being. Bless Yogi Bhajan.
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